Mama, the day Sister Ruth called to tell me about this site she created, I was on the computer going through your mails. I had been up all night reading them. I even wrote a mail to you that night, something I do every now and then hoping you will reply. Everyday, I open my mail hoping to read from you. I wait to hear you call. You know the last time we talked, you told me it was just your head that was hurting. I told you to have some rest and that I would be calling the next day or two after the MRI test. About two to three hours later, Sister Hannah called to let us know you left us. I had tried to call you, but the lines didn't go through. A few minutes after trying, Sister Ruth called to let me know she had just talked with you and that Mum was there. She told me not to worry and that, I should rather call in the morning. I was so happy to hear Mum was with you and since we were at a graduation party, I decided to go have some fun. I cry everyday and ask myself why I did not call.
You know what? I never had fun because as I went back into the hall, Tse started crying and I had to take him home. He cried for more than an hour and as soon as we got home, the phone rang and Tse stopped crying.......It was Sister Hannah and she said, "Hai Gracy, na me Hannah di call. I just call na with bad news. Mama don die". My world stopped for a few minutes.
My world is still at that point. I do not know how to recover, nor do know if I will. There is no one to talk on my behalf, no one to fight for me, no one to stand up for me. Is that what we agreed on? Is that the plan we had? Because what I know is that, you asked me to send the kids and that you would take care of them while I finshed school. Mama, I am still struggling with the kids and school. I do not know what to do.
You left me with so many unanswered questions, questions from Mambo, Azah and Tse (Tata) each time they look at your picture in the family room. By the way, did you know there is an addition in the family? Her name is Bih. We call her Ms Bih because that is how she was called in the hospital. She too is a miracle baby. She came 11 weeks early and is a year old plus now. A very strong girl too. She loves to sing and dance. Mambo and Azah always ask; Mum how come aunty Mama is not calling us again? And you know Tata can ask a hundred questions at a time. Mum who is this? What is her name? Is she in Cameroon? When I told him that you were in Heaven and that you are now an angel, he asked; So, does it mean when I go to Cameroon I will see her? Are angels there? The kids do not understand. I too don't understand why you had to go.
I have been searching for answers as to why you had to go so fast. I had to change my school program in other to get an answer. Why your head? why the pain? I ask these questions everyday still searching for answers.
I still cry everyday because I miss you so much. I miss the times we cried together, laughed together, the times we were mad at each other and would not talk, the times I would make you so mad thinking you would not eat your food and you would eat while crying. You always said, "ah want ma damay, mey man no play.
Gi me ma dass. A go wak. If wouna think say a go cry then leave this damay, wouna di waste wouna time ma tell wouna". I miss the times of appologies and forgiveness; I miss you because, it feels like yesterday, it feels like we just talked and sang together.
Do you remember the song we sang together in church during my CWF dedication, the date and the year? That was on November 25, 2000 and it was a christmas carol, Oh Holy Night. Do you still remember the one wordings? "Oh holy night the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Savior's birth! Long lay the world in sin and error pining. Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth. A trill of hope the weary world rejoices. Fir yonder breaks a new and glorious morn! Fall on you knees, Oh hear the angel voices, Oh night divine, Oh night when Christ was born, Oh night divine, Oh night divine". Do you remember how we were so mad at Pops because he did not let us sing all the songs we had planned to sing?
Mama, I know you are one of the stars and would ask you to shine in my path Oh sister, so that I may follow your footsteps and join you sing with the angels
Intercede on my behalf so that my weary soul may rejoice.